A few months ago I went on a first date, right after work. We sat down for dinner, and to get to know one another. The very first question he asked was, what is it like to witness death? Then he quickly apologized for asking such a "dark" question. I'll admit, I was caught off guard. It was something I had never been asked before, especially on a date. It took me a moment to think about it.
Here's what I have decided.
Part one
Death is something my mind cannot fully grasp. I have not kept a count of how many people I have seen die, but it has obviously been a few. Some deaths have been harder to handle than others. I wonder sometimes if my mind tries to protect itself from the weight of some of the things that I have seen. Sometimes the walls break, and I will have a lot of anxiety or sadness over a situation. The questions of, did I do miss something or was there anything that I could have done to prevent it, are dangerous paths to navigate. The only thing that helps me get through those situations is talking. I am grateful every day that my best friend chose to be a nurse as well, and that I have some of the most amazing coworkers ever. Other nurses just, they just get it. They help me refortify my confidence in knowing that we are all doing the best we can. They help calm the questions that plague my mind. Some things are out of our control and there are things we might never fully understand. Those reminders keep me going some days.
Part two
Death is peaceful. My mind might not be able to grasp the finality of it. But what my eyes always recognize, is that the person is at peace. Whether they were suffering, or it was an unexpected passing, they all look the same and there is some comfort in that appearance.
A lot of families are losing loved ones to COVID. The heartbreaking thing is, a lot of these patients are dying without those family members there. Usually, they are able to surround them. See them for the last time. A lot will talk about their memories with them or what they loved about them. Sometimes they are overwhelmed with emotion. Healthcare professionals are trying to bridge the gap of isolation by face timing patients to their family members. To give them the opportunity to have these moments through technology. It's not enough, but it is something.
I hope family members know that nurses, doctors, and the rest of their team always do their very best. That their person mattered to us as well. Every life has an infinite amount of worth.
We do not forget them.
I also hope they know that wherever their loved ones have gone is a place of peace. Finally, I hope that some day, their family members that continue on will have that feeling as well.
Britt.